HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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