Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
