u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you win again, gameday.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
