i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
