Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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