Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
