i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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