Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
