Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
