Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
