Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
