When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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