He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
