a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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