Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
