you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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