i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
