I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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