I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
