So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
