Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize