Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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