Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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