508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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