Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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