Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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