WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
