I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
