The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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