I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize