8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
