But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
