She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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