I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
