im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
