Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
They took my balls.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
