I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
