my being single is dangerous.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
