On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
