i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
