You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
