i would punch a child for taco bell
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
