i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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