Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize