I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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