I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
