My sheets look like a crime scene.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
