just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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