Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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