I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
