im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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