I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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