well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
