He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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