My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
