is your mom at the bar?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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