FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
