Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
